Are you spending your energy on someone else's version of success?
- Mark Franklin
- 18 hours ago
- 6 min read
At the recent National Coaching Conference and Awards, Financial Awareness Trainer Flo Chadaway dropped a line that stopped me in my tracks:
"Comparison convinces us to spend money on someone else's version of success."
It was a perfectly placed bombshell. But it also made my brain jump sideways.
What if we substituted the word 'money' for the word 'energy'?
"Comparison convinces us to spend energy on someone else's version of success."
That still holds up, doesn't it? Perhaps we're spending energy on someone else's success without even realising it. Every time we compare, every time we adjust our path to match someone else's expectations, we're investing our finite energy into a version of success that isn't ours.
The hidden cost of spending energy on someone else's success
We work on things. We tinker and toil. We give our time and attention to projects, careers, and even relationships that fit someone else's expectations of what 'winning' looks like. The traditional script is familiar:
Go to university
Get the better job
Climb the ladder with the nuclear family in tow
You can be happy when you retire on the profit
Sound familiar? For many of my clients, this is where the conflict begins. They pause mid-career, mid-life, mid-scroll through yet another social media feed, and ask themselves a devastating question:
"Am I experiencing a life defined by someone else's opinion of success?"
And therein lands the conflict, the uncertainty, the frustration, and the resentment that has been slowly building over time.
The UK comparison crisis: what the research tells us
This isn't just philosophical musing. The data paints a stark picture of how comparison culture is affecting people across the UK:
Nearly two-thirds (64%) of UK adults report feeling negatively affected by comparing their lives to what they see on social media, according to research commissioned by Towergate Insurance. A third of Brits feel most impacted by career or 'success' milestone posts, whilst others are triggered by perfect beach bodies, holiday snaps, and curated parenting content.
What's particularly telling is that 86% of Brits believe social media should carry content warnings or mental health advisories, rising to 93% among 25-34 year olds. We know something is wrong. We can feel the drain on our mental health and wellbeing.
Research from the University College London's Understanding Society longitudinal survey, which followed 15,836 UK adults, found that adults who posted daily on social media had more mental health problems than those who never posted. The Royal Society for Public Health ranked Instagram and Snapchat among the worst platforms for young people's mental wellbeing, with comparison culture cited as a primary concern.
But the point that many studies often miss. It's not just about time spent scrolling. It's about the energy we sacrifice trying to measure up to an impossible standard.
Even coaches aren't immune
Interestingly, comparison culture affects even those in the 'helping' professions.
Research exploring mental health in the UK sports coaching workforce found that 55% of coaches reported having experienced a mental illness, with 44% currently experiencing one. Depression and anxiety were the most commonly reported conditions, particularly among grassroots and community coaches.
The pressure to succeed, to be seen as successful, to perform according to external metrics – it affects all of us, regardless of profession. The key difference? Those who have learned to identify and challenge comparison culture have found a way to flourish despite it.
Four questions that can break the comparisonitis
When clients come to me experiencing this conflict, they're often wrestling with four fundamental questions:
1. Should I stop comparing and just do what is right for me?
Yes. The energy you're spending measuring yourself against others' highlight reels is energy you could invest in understanding what actually brings you alive. Research consistently shows that coaching supports mental health and wellbeing, helping people develop self-confidence and clarity. The first step is acknowledging that comparison is theft – it steals your attention from your own unique path.
2. Can I unpick a lifetime of being mis-sold success?
Yes. It takes work, but it's absolutely possible. Coaching helps individuals develop problem-solving skills, decision-making abilities, and importantly, gain clarity about their career goals and strengths. The process involves challenging long-held beliefs and making sustainable lifestyle changes that align with your authentic values rather than external expectations.
3. Can I put down all that baggage and accompanying self-doubt?
Yes. Self-doubt often thrives in the gap between who we are and who we think we 'should' be. One of the most powerful interventions is developing self-awareness and emotional intelligence – understanding your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, and the interplay between them. When you shift your focus from external validation to internal alignment, that baggage becomes lighter.
4. Do I even deserve to flourish in my own, magical way?
Yes. This is perhaps the most important 'yes' of all. You don't need to earn the right to live authentically. You don't need to prove yourself worthy of defining success on your own terms. Mental health professionals note that much of our distress stems from the exhausting work of trying to be someone we're not. You deserve better than that.
What authentic success actually looks like
Here's what I've learned from working with clients who've successfully made this shift: authentic success isn't louder or flashier than the version you see on social media. It's quieter. More grounded. It often looks unremarkable from the outside. But it is SO much richer and more rewarding.
It might look like choosing the job that pays less but allows you to be home for dinner. It might look like saying no to the promotion that would require you to compromise your values. It might look like building a business that grows slowly but sustainably, rather than chasing viral success.
Authentic success feels like breathing room. Like coming home to yourself.
Three ways to start reclaiming your energy today
Audit your energy expenditure. For one week, notice where your mental and emotional energy goes. How much time do you spend thinking about what others are doing? How much energy goes into maintaining an image versus living authentically? Write it down. The awareness itself is powerful.
Define your own success metrics. What would success look like if no one else was watching? If you couldn't post it, photograph it, or put it on your CV? When people work with a coach to gain clarity about their goals and values, they're significantly more likely to advance their careers in ways that feel meaningful to them.
Create comparison-free zones. Designate certain times or spaces in your life where comparison simply isn't welcome. This might mean unfollowing accounts that trigger comparison, muting conversations about career milestones, or setting boundaries around discussions of achievement during family time.
The most important question
Flo Chadaway's quote about money and success started all of this. But I think the energy angle cuts deeper because energy is precious. You can theoretically make more money. You cannot make more hours in the day. You cannot reclaim the energy you've already spent chasing someone else's dream, but you can replenish your energy by focusing on actions and behaviours that give back as much as they take
So, the question becomes: What will you do with the energy you have left?
Will you keep spending it on comparison? Or will you invest it in discovering and building your own version of success – the one that refuels you and makes you come alive; the one that feels like coming home?
Ready to stop comparing and start flourishing?
If you've found yourself nodding along to this article, if you're tired of living according to someone else's definition of success, if you're ready to stop spending your precious energy on comparison and start investing it in your authentic path – let's talk.
I work with people just like you – people who are questioning the script they've been handed, who are ready to write their own story, who deserve to flourish in their own magical way.
Don't believe you deserve a 'yes' to all those questions? That's exactly why we should chat. Book a free consultation call and let's explore what authentic success could look like for you.
UK-specific research cited in this article:
Towergate Insurance (2025). Social media comparison affecting 64% of UK adults.
Smith, A., Haycock, D., Jones, J., Greenough, K., Wilcock, R., & Braid, I. (2020). Exploring Mental Health and Illness in the UK Sports Coaching Workforce. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(24), 9332.
Royal Society for Public Health (2017). #StatusOfMind: Social media and young people's mental health and wellbeing.
https://www.rsph.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/status-of-mind.html
Plackett, R., Blyth, A., & Dredze, J. (2024). The Impact of Different Types of Social Media Use on the Mental Health of UK Adults: Longitudinal Observational Study. Journal of Medical Internet Research.
Comments