"Sit down, be quiet, stop showing off!"

Many of the hesitations that stand between us and the businesses (or the lives) we deserve, are borne out of stories that we have told ourselves for so long, they have become our truth.

"I'm not ready" "I'm not good enough" "I don't have time" "What if I fail?"

The four most common hesitations – the Four Fears^® as I call them. Better known as:

Perfectionism

Imposter Syndrome

Procrastination

Fear of Failure

Those hesitations are subjective decisions that we have accepted as our 'default settings' based on a narrative we have chosen as being 'right' for us.

"Sit down, be quiet, stop showing off"

Where do these stories come from? And why do they have such a hold over us?

They often seem difficult to consciously pinpoint, because their origin can actually be quite innocuous. A fleeting moment (or moments) in time when someone – possibly an authority figure in our life (a teacher, parent, older sibling maybe...) – issued an instruction. An instruction that we then chose to hang on to:

"Sit down"

"Be quiet"

"Stop showing off"

Three common examples, but there are more I could share.

When each was issued, it is probable that they were shared without malice or ill-intent. Applying an empathic perspective, any frustration attached to these words, in that moment, sat with the person exclaiming them. Their own impatience, lack of focus or limiting beliefs.

And yet on receiving those imperatives, we felt obliged – not only to comply, but to hold on to them. Play them back on repeat, rehearse, reinforce and practise them until the meaning we took from them became something more permanent.

We carried forward thoughts such as:

"I mustn't stand up."

"I mustn't speak up."

"It is wrong to celebrate the things that make me remarkable."

And so the poor behaviour we witness from a colleague in a team meeting goes uncommented on. An injustice that befalls our community is allowed to play out unchallenged and, when an opportunity for us to shine a light on our value and success reveals itself, we pass, for fear of being seen as "immodest, an attention seeker... too big for our boots."

"Not ready, not good enough, not enough time, what if I mess up?..."

Says who?

If these 'opinions' and 'instructions' are something we have chosen to listen to (and embed in our behaviour), what if we chose a different narrative? These are our own stories, remember. Whatever the intent was when those instructions were issued, it is our interpretation of them that has stayed with us.

Breaking their hold

A huge part of the work I do with every client is stepping back into the shoes of those origin stories (without any trauma) and letting go of that historic instruction. Noticing it for what it really was and comforting that younger version of us as they realise they can now put that belief down. Disarming those memories means that, as we shift our attention to the future, we are no longer tied to the stories that do not serve us.

Write a better story

Our careers, our lives; each is full of moments that offer conclusive proof of how capable an competent we actually are.

Our journals, our work calendars, our emails and messages from clients and friends – each provides a body of evidence that reinforces what 'ready', what 'good enough', what making time to do something remarkable, and the successes those remarkable acts have brought for us.

"Sit down, be quiet, stop showing off" – these are habits we have perfected over time. Our brain has become comfortable in the protection they afford us; the risk they encourage us to avoid.

"Stand up, speak out, celebrate our unique remarkability" – new habits that we are already acting on, but are overlooking.

Notice your 'remarkable'

Lean into the body of evidence. Step into rooms where other people's actions and experiences reinforce a happier ending for your own story.

Be curious. Use "What if...?" as a catalyst for positive action, not fear-driven hesitation. The world needs good people like you to stand up, speak out, be remarkable. You don't just owe it to yourself... but that is as good enough reason as any to give it a go!

What unhelpful (and untrue) instruction have you been carrying forward? Let me know in the comments (maybe it's time to let it go).

Mark Franklin is The Four Fears^® Guy: a transformational mindset coach, speaker and author working with creative professionals and small business owners who are ready to close the gap between the business they have and the one they actually deserve.